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Having a break from social expectations of heterosexuality helped me to redefine myself. Some people have a hard time wrapping their brains around the idea of a changeable gender because they see a natural definition of gender roles that seems rather inherent. However, I am not one who sees gender as either/or. I think that we all have a different combination of both male and female characteristics. Some people lean more to one or the other end of the spectrum but just because they perceive themselves that way does not mean that they are incapable of experiencing the other side of the spectrum. Now it seems like my feelings are coming full circle. Don’t ask me what that means exactly, because I don’t really know. I’m still not interested in men the way I used to be, but I dont’ feel the same anger. I can appreciate men who have admirable and positive masculine qualities although that is not generally what attracts me. I am generally more attracted to men who are able to express. Instead of imagining just a woman's physicalsensations, he tried to understand her emotions as well. His effortsso far had been feeble, yet the results suggested it was an avenueworth pursuing.The truth was that Bobby didn't have a lot to draw on when it came toimagining emotions. "Oh, I understand happiness well enough," Bobbythought, "it's something like the few minutes of pain free existence Iexperience after I jerk off." And tenderness, "That must be somethinglike the comfort I got from Tata, my security blanket, on that day whenthose people came to take me away."The thought triggered a memory from a few years later, when he was inelementary school. He remembered sitting in a cluttered office while aman, probably the school counselor, spoke to his foster mom. "Bobby iswell above average in intelligence, one of the highest I've seen, buthe doesn't interact with the other children at all. He seems to livein his own world. Perhaps his situation... the stress... It may.
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