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With no possible means by which I couldrespectfully have sexual intercourse in the villa (it would not do totry and sleep with one of Kurgus's slave girls - homosexuality wasuncommon on Gor and that is how the act would be seen as I was now awoman too) I was left to masturbate in private on those long hot summerafternoons, turned on of course by the simple sight of my own gloriouslynude body in the mirrors. It was not a respectable image for a GoreanFree Woman to present to a slave. I feared my state of wanton arousalwould soon be the subject of quiet amusement in the slave pens belongingto the villa - the slave girls would whisper to one another, "TheMistress is secretly a slut!" They would giggle to hear this intimatesecret and the knowledge of my moment of weakness would forever belocked in their eyes when I looked at them. By now my humiliation couldpossibly be known throughout the pens - the slut of a barbarian girl whowrithed in the furs, desperate for the touch of a man. Or so. I walked into the kitchen sitting down in a kitchen chair. I had lied to Sherri just as I had lied to John earlier in the week. He had asked me if I was doing anything, this weekend and I told him I was going to go with my mom to see my aunt. I told him I would be gone all weekend.The reason I had lied to him was that I could see he was falling in love with me or was in love with me. He was just to shy or scared to tell me. It was just as good for I was not in love with him. I liked him and I loved the fact he made Sherri happy however, I was not in love with him.I could never love again for if I did the abuse would start again. I had it in my head that the men in my past were good men and they had turned bad when I loved them. If I took no love from a man nor gave or showed any back then not only was I safe so was my daughter.I had it in my head that both Mark and Joe were my fault. I had caused them to beat me. I deserved it, as I was a bad person as well as a bad mother. All the.
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