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“Yes, we are definitely persona non grata,” she said.“He is making a statement, I guess,” he said. “Wants you, us, to know how he is feeling without him actually using words to tell you, us.” She stared crying, something she’d been doing a lot of.“Yes, I guess so,” she said. “So, are we still going to be keeping to our plan to try and visit him even though he’s taken us off the visitor list?”“Yes, I think it’s the only tool we have in our tool box,” he said. She was nodding.Then It was January 1990, more than eight more years had passed, and they had tried to visit me just like before, but I had ignored their attempts. I wondered how they were dealing with that.I had gotten letters, too, announcing that they were coming each time. I never answered any of them. None of the letters had mentioned my lack of manhood or my HIV situation. I guess the man had not discovered that particular shortcoming, my shortcoming. I still had to figure that he eventually would, but who knew for sure.And. Getting my ass kickedby Heidi and being known as the girl who got her ass kicked by theawesome and gorgeous Heidi Fleegleman meant developing this fear-thing,this terrible, idiot feeling that stood right in the middle of my heartand shouted defiance at everything I thought was true and made me feelbeyond retarded. I wanted to crawl under my bed and never come out,never face the stupid assholes at Delacroix High again.Being afraid of someone again?and it was worse than with Mike but notnearly so bad as with Darla-- was torture. I kept up a front around myfriends, but when I'd pass Heidi in the hall, I couldn't meet her gaze,and my cheeks burned and my heart thrummed like an engine out of tunewith itself. Nervousness. My hands would intertwine like they had mindsof their own."I've got something to tell you," Sarah said one day as we skipped offcampus for lunch."What?" Remember how we were talking about Babysitters Club?" Vaguely. Do you have like any of those I could borrow so I.
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