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The faces are labeled, ‘Mommy, Daddy.’ There are also flowers for the baby and each of the two dogs. Every flower has a small, framed picture, every flower except the ‘Mommy’ flower. I finally had to take that picture down last week. It’s not only the bedroom. Everything in the house is exactly as his wife left it. In many ways, she never left at all. She is still here and I feel her every day. Everywhere I move in this house, I feel the evidence of a life — a wedding, a baby, a sweet little cabin in the mountains, years spend in constant company. I feel footsteps that are far too broad and deep for me to fill. Up until a few days ago, her clothes still hung in the closet. The dresser on her side of the bed holds half-finished projects, blank scrapbook pages, journals and photos. I do not move anything. I dust over her books, I wipe the baby’s little toys down, straighten the blankets in the crib. I often feel as if I am in a burial site where the placement of every small stone is. "You dear thing," she said. "I know about you men. Sopossessive about your women. So insecure about your ability toattract and satisfy them. So if another man attracts yours andsatisfies her more, you feel you're the loser, the lesser man,humiliated, useless and worthless." She kissed me again. "That'show I want you to feel as a man. Over and over, until you've quitand turned belly up. Then we'll see." ii.The next morning was Friday, the Friday of her date night. Ibrought her breakfast in bed as usual. She seemed unusuallylively. She asked me if I'd had mine, and since I already had, sheasked me to sit on the edge of the bed and just chat a little withher while she ate. Her mood was remarkably aimiable. "I'm feeling so cheerful,anticipating this night out with Steve!" she confessed. "It's asif I'd never been married at all! As if you were my room mate andnot my husband! Maybe that's how I should be thinking about you. How we should be.
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