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Was I like them? Like Tony and Paul? Like that guy Lenny Reddinger from my sophomore-year geometry class? Somehow, Paul seemed of a different sort than Lenny Reddinger. Somewhere in my jumbled brain, Paul was granted a higher station of okayness than Lenny. Because he hid what he did, not letting anyone else in on it. But was that really right?I decided then and there that I wasn’t gay, that Paul probably wasn’t, either. Neither of us were like lilting, effeminate Lenny, who had been openly gay as long as I'd known him. We just got our rocks off when it suited us, and most girls at our school were prudes anyhow, so it just made things easier. I had no clue that I had just subconsciously placed myself with Paul on whatever level of the cocksucking hierarchy he was stationed at.I slept soon after, dreamlessly. Upon waking, my post-orgasmic clarity about the nature of my sexuality was washed away, and the mild feelings of shame about what I had been up to, returned. I dressed slowly,. I figured up to now that she was just biding her timeuntil the subject came up. But she just straightened up from where she'dbeen bent over putting a tray into the back seat and said that if nine orten thousand dollars were the price she had to pay for this last monthtogether it was a bargain as far as he was concerned."But--it was the money you were saving. Saving, you know, for yourtransformation. Aren't you mad?" My transition, you mean?" Yeah."Marcia shrugged, looked away, and then looked back at me. "I guess youmight say that I did use it for my transition." She smiled. "...and mytransformation, too, now that you mention it."I didn't know what to say. I couldn't imagine that I'd be forgiven soeasily and so completely for doing something so selfish and awful. Imean, ten thousand dollars, right?Then came the really hard part. "And about that stuff on the window Iwrote..." Don't even mention it." I don't even know why I did it. That was so stupid. I didn't even meanit..." I know..
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