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Then I left the room. I went back into the living room and sat on my armchair. I wanted Nigel to wait. To anticipate what was to come. I looked out through the bay window and, sure enough, I could see a lens. I was still being watched. God that got me hot–but then so did the idea that Nigel was lying on the bed, waiting for me, and unable to have an erection. I folded my arms to press my breasts together and enhance my cleavage. I looked down at myself and then across through the window, smiling. He was watching me, and I knew it, and he knew that I knew it. Then I made a show of straightening my latex stockings, stretching each leg out in turn and rubbing my hands upwards to smooth out any wrinkles. It felt delicious. How many pictures had my admirer taken? Had he wanked off to them? Published them on the internet? God, how that gave me a thrill. Eventually, I stood up, blew a kiss through the window and went into the kitchen. I emerged a few moments later with a candle and a box of. Relax, I try to tell myself, just relax and sleep willfollow. Twenty minutes later and not only am I drained, I'mfrustrated as well. My mind is racing and it won't let go of the thoughtsenough to let me sleep. It doesn't help that those thoughts center aroundhim and the complexities of our relationship, the bad as well as the good. Every little thing I've ever done "wrong" (at least in mymind); every little word of praise and affection and yes, love, from him. I sit up, dangling my legs over the side of the bed, andrealise I'm still playing with the damned belt. Still turning it aroundand around, doubling it this way then that, listening to a voice - hisvoice - remind me with a smile to not use the buckle end. I smile tomyself, still feeling a bit silly about that after all this time, but I promiseit made sense at the time . . . that, and it felt good. Even now I can remember sitting on the edge of a differentbed, in a different town years ago with this same belt, arguing.
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