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I also had to think of my responsibility to my child - I wanted to be a good role model. To me (at the time) it was about not only being a good parent but about showing a much defined, clear cut feminine role. While I was pregnant I managed to find a balance between customising some of my masculine clothing so it still fitted me and also wearing some female maternity clothes too. But before I gave birth I threw out all my 'boy' stuff because I thought I simply couldn't blur the lines like that in case it left a 'bad' impression on my child. That wasn't the first time I had thrown stuff out. I had gone through phases in the past of collecting my male clothes and keeping them in my wardrobe, and then various pressures or misplaced guilt had caused me to make myself stop and be feminine all the time. I know now it was because of pressure within my relationships, or fear of other people thinking badly of me. I now know it was all wrong - I was all wrong - but society has such clearly. Who ended up being very much like you, Cal. He was gentle and kind, thoughtful and patient and . . .’ ‘You fell in love with him,’ Cal finished, with a lump in his throat. Jenny had looked down as he spoke, and when she raised her eyes to him again they were filled with tears that, one at a time, slipped over the edge and ran down her cheeks. Cal reached out and caught each one with his fingers, gently wiping away the last with his thumb. ‘I wanted to call you when I first understood what was happening to me, but I have never truly been in love before, Cal, not like this, and I wasn’t sure it was real or would last.’ She was quiet then, for a minute or so, collecting her thoughts as her friend stroked the hair out back off her face and smiled into her eyes. ‘I’m carrying his child,’ she finally said, so quiet he could hardly hear the words . . . which filled him with joy despite the fact the child would not be his. She saw the joy in his eyes before he spoke and loved him for it..
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