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I had been in a relationship for 4 years but had broken up about 8 months prior. As the season went on Emily had been doing very well by week 7 she was 6-1. I had an undefeated record going at that point. One morning I ran into Emily “Hey Commish if you don’t have plans tonight swing by the Alley. I’m bartending till 10.”“Me at go to the bar, well since you’re twisting my arm I be there after I hit the gym.” After work I hit the gym and finished up at about 8. I headed home and took a long shower since my muscles were sore. After the shower I almost forgot about stopping by to see Emily at her side job. At 8:50pm she texted me “you didn’t forget about me did you?” I quickly threw on some jeans and a light blue polo shirt and headed for the bar. I got to the bar at 9:15pm I had really hustled to get there since it’s 3 towns away from my house. When I walked in I expected to see at least a half filled bar since it was a Friday night. As I looked around no one was there except Emily. I. Invisibility would be a gift and yet the only thing I wish for lies within the bounds of impossibility.I want to disappear from the life I live and find another, I want to leave all those I know forever. I know myself better than any other and I know that I lack the capacity for truly endearing emotions. I love pain and danger yet I feel incapable of love and innocence. My life is a shadow of anger — I'm drowning in rage and disgust for myself. My entire being is an imposition.Water: an undeniably relaxing element. When I feel it swish against me at the beach, when it knocks me under it's surface with powerful surges and when it falls relentlessly from the sky I feel calm — as if my problems have disappeared if only for the moment. However, I know that my element is it's opposite- FIRE. I connect with the flames of a malevolent fire; I see myself within its intense heat. I feel as if my emotions are a wild flame of insecurities, revenge and self-hatred. It's ironic how I see myself.
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