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One night Felicity came round and brought some hash with her. I rather weak-mindedly broke Margaret's rule. A few puffs wouldn't matter, I thought, and it certainly made me feel better, so much so that I very nearly took Felicity up on her earlier suggestion. The next day, in the grip of an old demon - sexual frustration and the freshened memories of the sensation enhancing effects of soft drugs, I called an old connection. Teasing myself, telling myself that anticipation would make the breaking of my fast all the better, and that by doing what I was doing I was very necessarily demonstrating my independence, I took the tube to Tottenham Court Road and walked into the heart of sleazy old Soho. In a sex shop, scarlet with embarrassment and not a little excitement, I bought a couple of the best vibrators they had, and the two biggest dildos in the shop.On my way home, I visited my old dealer and bought some hash, three grams of cocaine, and as if it was a sign that my intentions were. ‘You look completely shagged.’ ‘What?’ She laughed, her heavily-kohled eyes hawk-like as she inspected me from head to foot. ‘Shagged,’ she affirmed confidently. ‘As in like, totally fucked.’ ‘Roxy!’ Startled by her candour—and her unnerving accuracy—I forced a ‘how-could-you-even-think that?’ laugh. ‘It was just a late night, that’s all. Late night, too much wine—’ ‘And lots of sex,’ she finished triumphantly. She grinned. ‘Way to go, boss. I was starting to think that you and Drew were never going to get it on.’ Uh oh. How was I going to nip this in the bud? ‘Get it on?’ I gasped, striving for innocence. ‘Me and Drew?’ I tried another laugh, this time managing a much more convincing noise. ‘No!’ She shot me a dubious glance. ‘Seriously,’ I protested. ‘It’s not like that, honestly. We’ve been friends for years. Just friends, okay?’ ‘Friends?’ I nodded, surprised to hear something approaching disappointment in her tone. ‘Drew and me—we could never have that kind of relationship,’ I.
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