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I took a deep breath. I decided it was time to call her bluff. Enough time had passed staring at her insistence and she wasn’t going to give up.She didn’t really know me that well and she had been teasing me, steering me from one embarrassment to the next with no mercy. I really liked her but she was always in charge. She made me feel like a real sucker.“So you promise to just look at it then?” No answer, just the same glare.So, without hesitation, staring directly at her and not blinking I waited long moments for her to change her composure. Nothing. I fought with myself in silence as we stared at each other and she gripped my pants, pulling. “Oh shit,” I whispered.I kept remembering the size of her brothers. If it wasn’t for the religious background I fought internally, her big brothers alone would disallow me to do what she was demanding. She held on to me, stood her ground. There was no change in her determination when I suddenly pulled back and dropped my pants, jerked my T-shirt. I began to shake uncontrollably. Emotions that I had buried under selfish fun and sexual depravity erupted as explosively as an orgasm, but with no pleasure and peace to follow, just a towering wall of long-concealed grief for parents who had loved and cared for me, as I did for them, and yet they'd gone to their graves believing the very worst of me. Grief that I had pushed back and back with sex, drugs, visits to the House in the Woods, grief that could no longer be contained, because there was nowhere else for it to go.Margaret found me bawling my eyes out on the sofa, hugging the card to my chest, not letting her have it back even when she snapped at me. I had resisted her before, but with full knowledge of the consequences. This time I wasn't conscious of what I was doing. Pain filled my heart with such depth and concentration I could hardly breathe.Margaret quickly realised that I was in a similar dark place to where I had been after my morphine binge. Never one to be ready.
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