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’ I see there’s a new Japanese restaurant. He would have loved that. He made me try some of the wildest food. I’d put it in my mouth: it would get as far as my throat and I’d think ‘I can’t swallow this horrible thing’. He always knew and gave me that look. ‘Swallowing it is lots better than leaving it there.’ I think Michael would never have touched me if didn’t ‘seduce’ him. I was graduating and he was about to move out. He was sitting by the window reading in ‘our’ room and I was already feeling his absence. I sat on his lap and pouted and cooed to him. ‘Michael I’m going to miss you. Who am I going to have any fun with?’ ‘You can visit me, I won’t be that far away.’ ‘I don’t want you to go’ I said as I kissed his forehead and then his face and then his lips and then we were married. Those were different times. The wedding was something like the festival of San Genero, with about as much noise and people. I was delirious. Did everyone feel like this after they got married? I hoped. I was just caught wearing makeup, considered trashy by my parents at seventeen, but I spy my mother's lipstick on the counter by the sink, and an idea pops into my head. Picking up her lipstick, I paint a circle on my nose tip, and carefully outline my downturned lips in a huge smile.Up until now, it has been hard for me to look in the mirror. I guess it is shame and self-consciousness... always fearing I will mess up. But now, I like what I see. I stand there staring into the mirror for so long, my bathwater runs cold. My mind turns to clowns.~~~My college yearsBeing raised with sharp criticism and judgment takes its toll on a person. If you feel like you can never live up, you might quit trying. This is what happens to me in college. Safely out of their grasps and watchful eyes, I run wild. My roommate introduces me to alcohol. And you know alcohol can become a great escape, deadening your pain. The problem is when you sober up, your pain returns stronger than ever. It's like pain.
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