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Charlie Chaplin was still siring children at eighty-two." Yes, but he had a young wife." And what makes you think I couldn't get a young wife?" Oh my god, Kevin, you haven't bought yourself a Russian bride, have you?"She still hadn't learned her lesson, it seemed. I'd have put her straight but at that moment the doorbell rang. I went to answer it, knowing it was likely to be my son, Elliott. I opened the door."Hi, Dad. Is she still here?" I showed him in."Elliott, how are you, darling?" Fat lot you care. You piss off for six years, then come back and think everything's going to be the same as it was. It doesn't work like that, Mum. People move on." But I always loved you. You're my darling boy. You know that." Just not enough to let me know you were still alive, though." I didn't want your father to find me." What makes you think I wanted to?" I added."So where have you been these last six years, Mother, dear?" There was more than a hint of irony in his voice—he must have inherited. I took her in our bedroom and said go wash your damn face so you won’t look like a damn racoon with all that makeup running down your face. She did then I said, ok take off all your clothes. She took ‘em off and I handed her a tiny silk bath robe and told her to put it on. She did and I said, now go get your sorry fat ass in the truck, she looked at me for a few seconds, but went on out and got in the truck like I told her to do. I followed her outside, got in and drove us both over to the dairy farm. We pulled out on the road and she said where we going baby? I said, you’ll see just shut the fuck up and be happy I brought your fat ass! We got to the farm, I pulled up to the milking barn. I got out and said wait in the truck I’ll be back in a few minutes. She smiled and said, ok baby. She’s so damn dumb she didn’t have a fuckin clue what I was really up to. I went in the milking barn where my friend Calvin was waiting for me. I told him when I walked inside, ok I got my fat ass.
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