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"Had to get the cigarette smoke smell out of my hair," she said, when she noticed I was watching her.I turned over and went to sleep as she slid in beside me. I hoped it was only cigarette smoke she was getting out.Thursday came and I had the girls ready. We were waiting for Jasmine to arrive; we were already marginal time-wise. The phone rang. I picked it up."Hello ... Yes, we're ready ... how long ... what! ... another meeting? ... never again call me out for being late for anything... !" I railed at her. "It's your daughters' big night ... yeah yeah, I'll tell them; they're used it." I hung up."Was that mom," said Marie."Yes, honey, she's sorry; but she has a business meeting tonight. She promises to make it up to you both on the weekend," I lied saying that. She hadn't promised anything. In fact she was angry with me for challenging her. But hell, I was at the "fuck you" stage too. Things were coming to a head, and there did not appear to be anything I could do about it.I had. It is heart-breaking, for you know there is no consolation that you can give, but only your arms around him.It is not long before he starts to get himself under control. Meanwhile, I take some long deep breaths myself, in an attempt to get past my anger and hurt over what he did, in order that I will be able to speak about it more or less calmly and rationally. Perhaps I am somewhat at fault. After all, it was not long ago that I begged, no, I commanded, him to take me hard and with no consideration for my needs. In a crisis of self-loathing and disgust, I truly wanted it then. But now, I have begun healing after sharing my shame with Logan. I need love and support, and gentleness. But how could he know, if I did not tell him? And what is it that he needs now? Sex is not governed solely by reason and logic; I know that. I must decide what is to be done next, and so I hold him and make occasional soothing noises, as my mind considers the available options. Of one thing I am.
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