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And Ed himself?OK, I admit it. There were some very definite feelings developing there. I didn't know quite what they were, but they were there. Look, yeah, I know part of Ed's personality was that of a caretaker. A rescuer, a healer-hell, he has more of a maternal instinct than my mother. And I also won't deny that there was a very prominent part of me that just longed to be taken care of.But that wasn't all. He made me laugh. We had a boatload in common, imagine that. He was easy to talk to, I found that out that morning. And, I'll admit it-when he had his arm around me the previous night, I felt a funny little twinge in the pit of my stomach. That was not something I was used to at all!So, I had all this going through my head when we met up at the entrance after school."We have no baseball practice because of the rain. Are you busy right now?" he asked."No," I said."Will your mother freak if you don't come home?" Yes, but let her," I laughed. "If you keep me out long enough,. You're constantly hating yourself because this one person was so important to you and now she's gone. “I should've done..” “Why was I so..” “No wonder she doesn't..” Those thoughts are toxic and seizes up your body.When you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back, you get so ******* close to hating them. You hate that they've ripped you open, eaten you up and have left you to decay. You hate that they have let you hate yourself more than you could ever hate them. You hate them because of the things they gave you which weren't all good. And the things they stole. Like crying on their shoulders which they gave, but your pride they took.When you're in love with someone for the first time and they don't love you back, you never want to fall in love again. You never want attachments with anyone because of this substantial pain that is constantly there. You never want to kiss with love, talk with love, witness love. You never want love unless, it's that one person you love..
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