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I have very few memories of him. Mostly feelings and images. Some of these images are artificial, told to me by others or from pictures in the family album. I know that my Papa played Barrel of Monkeys with my sister and me on one of our birthdays, but I don’t really remember the event. I always had the impression that pictures were meant to capture a moment and remind you, to trigger the memory. That picture is my only memory of that moment in time, that experience. It is black licorice that triggers my most vivid memory. Not just any black licorice, definitely not the popular ropes that most associate with the candy. The ones I mean are the small tidbits that look like two fluffy pillows stuck together, black on the outside but rich brown when pulled apart. They are actually made up of four pieces and are easily separated again lengthwise. As this ritual division is being completed, the licorice oil gets all over my fingers, not sticky like the licorice itself but slippery like one. It was still a very emotional and difficult thing. And I had had sex with all of them thinking they were making love WITH me. And they had come to my appartment only a few minutes after the last had left.I thought I was done and though it was still dark, it was nearly time for my parents to come and get the bed and for me to leave for new beginnings. I just sat there and cried. I really did not mean to hurt anyone. I didn't realize everything wasn't just fun and games, that those men were so serious.My heart was breaking for the pain I had caused them but not out of love for any. So I figured it was actually good I was leaving so soon because I could not deal with a bunch of men who figured they were in love with me. And I thought I was just a status symbol anyway. I had, for the entire 3 years, been going to a Southern City every month because I was still modelling and they used to get so many compliments on me being on there arms so to speak.So I figured that that was all.
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