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’ Sam’s voice was tired. She shouldn’t be here, there was something way too personal going on right now. She stood up. ‘I’d better get going,’ she said, ‘I’ll just go get Nicholas.’ When she came back down stairs with Nicholas sleeping against her shoulder Tyler was waiting for her at the door with his dog. He opened it for her and followed her outside. ‘Where’s you car?’ He asked. ‘We walked,’ she replied. He looked surprised. ‘I didn’t know you lived around here.’ ‘Uh-huh, Fifth and Maple.’ It was only a few blocks away. ‘I’m on Plumb and Eighth. Here,’ he held his arms out for Nicholas, ‘you’re on my way, I’ll walk you.’ She hadn’t realized that Tyler lived so close, she wondered why Emma hadn’t said anything to her about it. She gave Nicholas to him. Nicholas was getting big, he was almost thirty-five pounds, but he looked small again when Tyler held him. They started walking towards her townhouse. It was dark, the shadows from the big maples made a speckled patchwork of. The dishwater was cold and not a word had beenuttered the entire time. But then there was no need for words.That's what sex is for me now. I can remember it being the other way,being the one who penetrated, who possessed, but now that just doesn'tseem real. It's like I'm remembering something I read or something Iheard about that somebody I used to know did... but not something I wouldever have done or ever do. Sex for me is being penetrated by you, beingtaken by you. If I start getting turned on, or something makes me thinkof sex, then that's what I imagine. And if something makes me imagine youdoing that then I get turned on. We've done it that way so long and sooften, and no other way, that even trying to imagine myself in adifferent role just doesn't seem real, or even possible. That's what sexis for me now and I can't imagine it ever being any different.The whole time I have been remembering that night I have continued movingand touching myself and now I open my eyes, looking.
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