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My work day was overloaded - like usual, I dropped my coffee and stained my shirt, ripped a stocking and the guy I've been trying to be semi-serious with is only interested in having a lay. Now, after being unable to decompress on my own, I'm sitting here on my couch with a bottle of Chardonnay and my largest - and favorite of late - wine glass while I try to write away my sorrows and frustrations. So, here goes: My life feels like a giant mess pile in a contractor trash bag that I keep dragging behind me with no hope for the heaviness of its stress to lighten. I haven't gotten over my last break up yet - sad, I know - and it's just making me feel like I'm the most worthless person on the planet. I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly wondering if he is thinking. The closest I got to porn was the models in bras and panties in the lingerie pages in my mother’s clothes catalogues.I’d been having “wet dreams.” I can’t remember much of them except that they involved girls, panties and swimsuits, and I’d wake up with my pyjama trousers and the bed sheets wet with sticky liquid. I guessed that this was the “spunk” or “jizz” that the boys at school who I knew masturbated talked about. I though of asking one of them to show me how to wank but I didn’t have the courage. I’d discovered that playing with my hard up penis was exquisite and spent ages in bed at night just lightly stroking my erect cock. One summer night I was sitting naked in my bed. Being naked felt erotic and exciting. My penis was up rock hard and I was fingering my shaft and my balls.Somehow, quite accidentally I wrapped my thumb and forefinger in a ring round my shaft and got the stroking and tugging action just right, pulling my foreskin up and down over the hard muscle underneath.
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