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He released it again, without a word. Before he could try again, I leaned down to kissed what I hoped was at least near his mouth. My lips landed on his cheek, but it didn’t take me long to reach my goal. His lips were soft and delicious. I didn’t stay there for long. I broke off and kissed his cheek. ‘I wouldn’t have had sex with you if it didn’t mean something,’ I said softly. When I found his mouth again, he kissed me back. Cautiously at first, like he was afraid I was trying to trick him. Then I felt him relax a little, and his arms circled my back, pulling me closer. I let him up from where I had pinned him to the bed. When we finally broke apart, he whispered, ‘so what did it mean?’ I wished it was light enough to see his face, to read the expression in his eyes. ‘I don’t know,’ and kissed him again. ‘But I would very much like to find out.’ I felt his smile when I kissed him that time. Then his weight shifted, and he was on top of me before I guessed what he was going to. First, her parents and then me. We buried her daddy a little over a year ago from dementia then a few months later I go down and my future is uncertain thus her future is uncertain. Yay, her!I’m expecting something that her life experience has never prepared her for. She’s terrified and doesn’t know whether she’s coming or going. She’s doing the best she can with what she has. For decades I have defined love as commitment partially because I realize that feelings change, partially because I understand commitment, and last but not least I don’t understand emotions well. Compassion is an emotion that may be the force behind a commitment but it is not a commitment itself. What if she doesn’t have it in her to keep her commitment to me no matter how hard she tries?There was a time when I once hunted a person the same way a hunter hunts a deer with the exact intention the hunter had for the deer because that person broke a commitment that made me lose face in front of the wrong people..
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